Family and Personal Values
Senior 3 · History and Citizenship
Family and Personal Values
Lesson 3 of 3
25 min
Read this conversation, written for this lesson.
Mother: It is nine o'clock, Kalisa! Where were you? And you are always on that phone.
Kalisa (16): I was at Eric's, revising for the test. You never trust me. All my friends have phones.
Mother: Your friends are not my children. When I was your age, we were home before dark.
Kalisa: That was a different time! You don't understand anything.
Source A. A family dialogue, written by Ganzaa.
Analysing the source. Both speakers have a point. The mother is worried about her son's safety and his studies; Kalisa wants trust and to be like his friends. But neither listens: both make sweeping statements ("always", "never", "anything"), and each judges the other by their own generation. The conflict is not really about the phone or the time. It is about trust, safety and growing independence.
Definition
Conflict: a serious disagreement between people whose needs, views or goals clash.
Misunderstanding: a failure to understand another person's meaning, feelings or intentions correctly.
Generation gap: differences in values, tastes and habits between older and younger generations, which can cause misunderstanding.
Dialogue: an honest, respectful conversation in which each side listens to understand the other and looks for a shared solution.
Compromise: an agreement in which each side gives up part of what it wants.
| Cause | Example |
|---|---|
| Generation gap | Parents and children disagree about music, clothes or what is "normal" |
| Technology and social media | Time spent on phones; who a child talks to online |
| Peer pressure and friends | Parents distrust a child's friends; the child wants to fit in |
| School and career choices | A parent wants medicine; the child wants art or a trade |
| Freedom and responsibility | Times to come home, going out, household tasks |
| Money and poverty | Requests the family cannot afford; stress about school fees |
| Harsh discipline or neglect | Shouting or beating instead of explaining; parents too busy to talk |
| Risky behaviour | Alcohol, drugs or early sexual relationships |
Both Christianity and Islam teach duties in both directions: children must respect their parents, and parents must raise their children with care.
| Christian teaching (Bible, World English Bible) | Islamic teaching (Qur'an, Pickthall's 1930 translation) |
|---|---|
| "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which Yahweh your God gives you." (Exodus 20:12) | "Thy Lord hath decreed, that ye worship none save Him, and (that ye show) kindness to parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age with thee, say not 'Fie' unto them nor repulse them, but speak unto them a gracious word." (Surah 17:23) |
| "You fathers, don't provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4) | "And lower unto them the wing of submission through mercy, and say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both as they did care for me when I was little." (Surah 17:24) |
Notice the balance: respect from children, and patience and care from parents. Dialogue puts both into practice.
Families do not have to manage alone. In many villages, parents meet in Umugoroba w'ababyeyi, a parents' evening forum promoted by the Ministry of Gender and Family Promotion (MIGEPROF), to discuss family problems and learn from each other. Religious leaders, school counsellors and trusted relatives can also help a family talk.
Worked example: rewriting the conversation
Question: Using the five steps, show how Kalisa and his mother could resolve their conflict. (4 marks)
Calm time: they talk the next morning, not at nine o'clock at night.
Listening and feelings: the mother says, "I feel afraid when it is dark and I don't know where you are." Kalisa says, "I feel hurt when you don't believe me."
Solution: Kalisa will send a message saying where he is and come home by seven; phones go off during homework. His mother will trust him while he keeps the agreement.
Check: they agree to review it after a month. Each gives a little, and both get what matters most: safety and trust.
Warning
Dialogue is for disagreements, not for abuse. Beating, threats, neglect or forcing a child to work instead of going to school are not "family conflicts". Any sexual contact with a child is abuse and a crime, whoever does it. If you or a friend are being harmed, tell a trusted adult such as a teacher or counsellor, or call the free lines listed by the Rwanda Investigation Bureau: 116 for child abuse, 3512 for domestic and gender-based violence, 3029 for the Isange One Stop Centre, and 166, the RIB free line.
What topic do young people your age find hardest to discuss with their parents? Suggest one way to make that conversation easier, for the child and for the parent.
Tip
Both sides, always. Questions on parent and child conflict reward answers that see both points of view. Give causes from the parent's side and from the child's side, and solutions that ask something of both.
Practice
Further reading
Sources and credits
