Marriage and Human Sexuality
Senior 6 · General and Religious Studies
Marriage and Human Sexuality
Lesson 2 of 5
24 min
At many Christian weddings in Rwanda someone reads 1 Corinthians 13: "Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud, doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:4–7).
Notice what is missing. The passage says nothing about feelings, beauty or excitement. Every line describes how love behaves. That makes it a useful test, and this lesson uses it: what kinds of love are there, and how can you tell a healthy relationship from a harmful one?
Definition
Love: a deep, lasting commitment to the good of another person, shown in actions as well as feelings.
Infatuation: an intense, often short-lived attraction to someone, based mainly on appearance or imagination rather than knowledge of the person.
Healthy relationship: a relationship marked by respect, trust, honesty, equality and the freedom of each person to say no.
Gender-based violence (GBV): harm done to a person because of their sex or gender, whether physical, sexual, psychological or economic.
Grooming: building trust with a child or young person, often with gifts, attention or secrecy, in order to abuse them.
Sextortion: threatening to share someone's intimate images unless they give money, more images or sexual acts.
Ancient Greek had several words where English has only "love". The writer C. S. Lewis made four of them famous in his book The Four Loves (1960). Figure 1 sets them out with examples from scripture.
In Islamic teaching, the Qur'an names two loves that God places between spouses: mawadda (love, affection) and rahma (mercy, compassion): "He ordained between you love and mercy" (30:21). Scholars note that mawadda is strongest in early marriage, while rahma, patient compassion, carries a couple through age, illness and hardship. Above all human loves stands love for God: "those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah" (2:165). And the Qur'an forbids treating a woman as property: "It is not lawful for you forcibly to inherit the women … But consort with them in kindness" (4:19).
| Infatuation | Mature love |
|---|---|
| Sudden; based on looks or an image | Grows over time; based on knowing the person |
| Focused on my feelings | Focused on the other's good (agape) |
| Demands secrecy or speed | Can be open to family and friends; is patient |
| Fades when faults appear | Accepts faults and works through conflict |
| Often pushes for sexual activity | Respects each person's values and limits |
Figure 2 shows that relationships are not simply "good" or "bad"; they move along a spectrum. Jealousy that starts as checking a phone can grow into control of where a person goes and whom they see. Measure any relationship against 1 Corinthians 13: is it patient, kind, truthful, not self-seeking? Measure it against Qur'an 4:19: is it "kindness" or "constraint"?
Some harmful behaviour is also a crime. Under Rwanda's Law N° 60 of 2018 on prevention and punishment of cyber crimes, using the internet to groom a child for sexual activity, or publishing sexual images of children, is an offence (Article 34), and so is cyber-stalking: harassing or threatening someone by spreading indecent pictures or videos, or taking pictures of a person without consent (Article 35).
Important
Keeping children safe
Any sexual contact with a child is abuse and a crime. In Rwandan law a child is any person under 18, and every sexual act with a child is the crime of child defilement under Article 133 of Law N° 68 of 2018 determining offences and penalties in general, whoever commits it and whatever the child seems to agree to. It is never the child's fault. If it is happening to you or someone you know, tell a trusted adult and call, free of charge:
Worked example 1: reading the warning signs
Aline, 19, has been dating Eric for three months. He texts her many times a day to ask where she is, says her friends are "a bad influence", and was angry when she refused to send him photos. He says it is because he loves her so much.
Step 1, compare with Figure 2. Constant checking, discouraging friends and pressure for photos are all in the "unhealthy" column. Her refusal was argued with, not accepted.
Step 2, test against 1 Corinthians 13. Love "doesn't seek its own way" and "is not provoked". Eric's behaviour is self-seeking and easily angered.
Step 3, advise. Aline should not send images, should talk to someone she trusts, such as a parent, counsellor or faith leader, and should not let herself be cut off from friends. If he threatens to share images or harms her, she can call 3512 or 166; threatening someone with indecent images is cyber-stalking under Article 35 of Law N° 60 of 2018.
Worked example 2: gifts that are not free
A 15-year-old girl is given phone credit, clothes and lifts by a 32-year-old man who says she is "mature for her age" and asks her to keep their friendship secret.
Analysis. Gifts, attention and secrecy are the classic pattern of grooming. She is a child, so any sexual contact with her would be child defilement under Article 133 of Law N° 68 of 2018, whatever she seemed to agree to. The responsibility lies entirely with the adult.
Action. She, or any friend or teacher who notices, should tell a trusted adult and call 116 or the Isange One Stop Centre on 3029.
Tip
Behaviour, not words. In questions on healthy and unhealthy love, judge by what a person does, as 1 Corinthians 13 does. "He says he loves me" is not evidence; "he accepts my no" is.
Important
Discuss. Why do you think Song of Songs 8:4 warns against awakening love "until it so desires"? How does this connect with the WHO's advice for adolescents and with Rwandan law?
Practice
Sources and credits
Written by Ganzaa: Figures 1 and 2, the table, the worked examples (the people in them are invented) and the exercises.
