Decision-Making Regarding Sexual Relationships
Senior 1 · Biology
Decision-Making Regarding Sexual Relationships
Lesson 2 of 5
25 min
Ishimwe is 14. A man who owns a shop near her school starts giving her free phone credit, then a lift home on his motorbike, then money for a new school bag. He is friendly and generous. Then he tells her, "Come to my house on Saturday. Don't tell your parents; it's our little secret."
Was any of this a fair exchange? Who holds the power here, and what does the law say? This lesson explains why relationships like this are not "relationships" at all, and exactly where a young person can get help.
Definition
Transactional sex: a sexual relationship in which one person gives money, gifts, phone credit, school fees, lifts or favours, and expects sex in return.
"Sugar daddy" or "sugar mummy": common names for an older man or woman who uses money and gifts to draw a much younger person into a sexual relationship. Boys can be targeted as well as girls.
Abuse of power: using an advantage, such as age, money, position or experience, to control or take advantage of someone who has less.
Definition
Consent: freely agreeing to something, with full understanding, without pressure, threats, gifts or tricks, and with the right to change your mind. In law, a child cannot give consent to a sexual act.
Grooming: the way an abuser slowly builds a child's trust, often with gifts, attention and secrets, in order to abuse them.
Child sexual abuse: any sexual activity with a child, or any attempt to involve a child in sexual activity, including touching, showing or asking for sexual pictures, or sexual messages.
| Kind of power | The older person | The young person |
|---|---|---|
| Age and experience | adult, knows how to persuade and hide | a child, still learning to judge people |
| Money | can pay for credit, fees, lifts, food | may need these things |
| Position | shopkeeper, driver, relative, even a teacher or employer | depends on that person |
| Secrets | controls what others know | feels trapped, ashamed or in debt |
The gifts are not kindness. They are used to make the young person feel that they owe something, and to keep them silent. However generous the gifts, and whatever the young person says, the adult is always responsible.
This is why 18 is called the age of sexual consent in Rwanda: below 18, the law protects you completely, and no gift, "agreement" or relationship changes that.
Important
Any sexual contact with a child is abuse and a crime. It is never the child's fault, even if they accepted gifts, even if they did not say no, even if the adult is a relative or someone respected. The child who was abused is not to blame and has done nothing wrong. Tell a trusted adult, or call the free line 116.
Figure 1: The path to help in Rwanda. Every service shown is free.
The Isange One Stop Centre ("isange" means "feel welcome") brings together health workers, counsellors and investigators of the Rwanda Investigation Bureau (RIB) in one place, so that a person who has been abused does not have to go from office to office. It serves girls and boys, women and men, and has a special room for talking with young children. In an emergency, or to report any crime, RIB's free line is 166.
Worked example 1: analysing Ishimwe's situation
Worked example 2: when a friend tells you
Your friend tells you, crying, that a relative has touched her in a sexual way and warned her not to tell. What should you do?
In groups, list reasons why a young person who is being abused might not tell anyone (for example fear, shame, threats, or gifts). For each reason, suggest what a school, a family or a friend could do to make telling easier. Talk about young people in general; nobody should share personal stories in class. If you are worried about yourself or a friend, speak privately to a teacher or counsellor after the lesson, or call 116.
Warning
Common mistakes. (1) "She accepted the gifts, so she agreed." A child cannot consent, and gifts are a grooming tool. (2) "Boys cannot be abused." Boys can be groomed and abused too, including by "sugar mummies". (3) "Abusers are strangers." Abusers are often people the child already knows: relatives, neighbours, family friends or people in authority. (4) "Wait and see." Abuse usually gets worse; tell someone now.
Tip
Memory hook: "Gifts plus secrets equal danger." A present with no strings is kindness. A present with a secret attached is a warning sign: say no, go away, tell someone.
Practice: transactional sex, consent and abuse
Key points
Sources and credits
Written by Ganzaa: the lesson text, Figure 1, the table, the worked examples, the discussion and the practice questions.
